Posted in My Sex Life, Uncategorized

Queering Sex

content warning : mention of sexual assault, negative emotions around PIV sex, consensual non-consent play

I’ve always had a….. complicated relationship with sex, particularly PIV sex, but its only as I’ve grown older and queerer that it’s become less of an issue.

I grew up around a very heteronormative idea of sex – that it was all about putting a cock in a cunt, and thrusting it about. Everything else was just foreplay, and a lead-up to the “big event”. My first boyfriend tolerated my interest in frottage, but never really enjoyed it, and I always felt like I was a bit weird for liking it.  The sex I had with other cunt owners was similarly uninspiring, a little bit of oral, maybe a little bit of fingering, some thoroughly unpleasurable scissoring (cos that’s what lesbians do, right?), and that was about it.

Over time, I had more PIV sex, but it left me with a lot of negative emotions.  I’d feel violated, dirty, and not enjoy it much at all. Often I would be left crying afterwards.  I’m still not sure 100% why I had such negative reactions to it, but I suspect that sexual assault from my boyfriend, and feeling like the only way that people would be interested in me was if I fucked them combined to make up most of the reason. Then when I discovered BDSM, I found that I could enjoy PIV sex as part of a consensual non-consent scene. From there, I found that I was gradually coming to like PIV, and giving and receiving oral sex with cock and cunt owners.

And that brings us up to a few of years ago, when I met C. We met at a mutual friends party, spent the night flirting and making out, and then continued flirting online and sexting for a month until we met in person again. But as well as flirting and sexting, we delved into talks about what worked for us each, sexually, and I came out to him as non-binary. The first time we had sex was amazing, and we quickly arranged a dirty weekend away – just him and me, in a huge hotel room in the middle of nowhere.

But while we were there, it turned out I was not entirely over my issues about PIV sex. And that was probably not helped by the fact that he was the first cis-male partner I’d had since realising my gender and sexuality weren’t quite what I thought they were. Part way through having sex one night, he asked me to go on top, and I…. just couldn’t do it.  I started crying. It was at that point that we started talking about what sex was, and wasn’t. What was fucking and what wasn’t fucking. And I began realising that I could start to let go of my heteronormative ideas of what sex is.

Since then…. well, I’ve been having a lot of fucking amazing sex. Some of it where everyone cums, some of it where only one person cums. Some where a cock (real, or silicone) goes in someone’s holes, some where there’s no cock involved at all. And I’ve realised that this is what queer sex is about.  It’s about letting go of preconceived notions of what sex is, and just doing what feels good to you and your partners at the time.

I probably have less PIV sex at this point in my life than I ever have before, (sometimes my cunt just doesn’t want to play), but I am having more, better and more fulfilling sex than I have ever had before now.  It’s been a journey to get here, but I’m so glad I’m here now!

Posted in Fibro, ME/CFS, Sex Work, Spoonie Life

Strength In Illness

It’s now been about two years since I got ill, and about 18 months since I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and CFS/ME, and a lot has changed in that time.  I’ve made mistakes; I’ve pushed myself too hard at times, and I’ve suffered, but I’ve also had some good times, and I’ve learned more things about myself than I ever thought I would!

The biggest thing that I’ve learned about myself is that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for.

I started getting ill about a year before my diagnosis. I had constant headaches, difficulties sleeping, all-over body pain, fatigue, and my depression and anxiety were getting worse. I wasn’t able to work much (if at all), which meant that my business took a severe hit. At my first GP appointment about these issues, about 9 months later, I was prescribed gabapentin, and that’s when things started to turn around for me.

I slowly started feeling better, and a couple of months later, I decided that I felt well enough to start returning to work. I took baby steps, and I fucked up frequently – pushing myself too hard and working myself into a flare –  but it felt good to have something to do, a reason to get out of bed each day, and to be returning to a way of expressing myself and my sexuality – which I had really been missing.

And it really does feel like returning to my business is the best thing I could have done for myself.

I’m not able to do as much work as I used to, but I feel so much more motivated now, and willing to push myself to work through situations I would never have considered working through in the past.  In the past, a migraine would have meant 2 days off work – one day in bed in a darkened room, and another day at my desk watching YouTube videos. Now it means taking painkillers, and making sure my bin is empty in case I need to throw up suddenly, and then getting my makeup on and getting on cam just like any other day.

One of the most important things for both my physical and business recovery has been creating good, solid routines and habits.

Every morning, my alarm goes off at 10:30, and even on my worst days, I’m out of bed before midday.  Then it’s time for breakfast and my morning meds while I check emails and watch some makeup videos. I eat 3 meals a day, I’m in bed by 1am, asleep by 2am(ish, usually!). I’m logged into work from about 3pm til 8pm. My routine doesn’t really give me much room to push myself too hard, and I know that I will pay for it if I do. It also means that my regular cam and phone clients know when and where to find me, and I don’t think I need to explain why that’s a good thing!

I don’t know where I would be now if I hadn’t developed fibromyalgia and CFS.  My depression was always the thing holding me back – when that was under control, all would go well, but when it flared up, life became more difficult and all my motivation went down the drain. I feel like now,my less-than-great days are way better than they used to be, because I feel like I have something to fight, something to overcome, and something to prove. I could probably spend days unpacking the “something to prove” bit, and maybe I will in the future, but not right now.

But there is no point in dwelling on what-ifs and could-have-beens.  The important thing is that I am feeling positive, and good, and pushing forwards with my life in the ways that I can.

Posted in Sex Toy Reviews

Lovehoney Humdinger Clitoral Vibrator – Review

A few weeks ago, I won Cara Sutra’s birthday give-away, and shortly after, received a big box of sex toys in the post! Most of them went straight into my big box of sex toys, but one of them really stood out as something I’d not seen before, and I wanted to set aside some time to play with it, and write a review.

sexy-spoonie-humdinger-package

First Impressions

When I first took this out of the box, I was rather shocked, to be honest. It looks like it should be made of silicone, but it’s not! It’s got that soft, matte type finish to it that makes it look very much like silicone.  But it is in fact made from ABS plastic, and so is lacking the squishiness and flexibility that silicone has. It’s not necessarily a drawback, but just a slight surprise when I took it out of the box. This humdinger isn’t rechargeable – it takes 2 AA batteries, which aren’t included.

It’s got an interesting shape – the shaft has 3 bulges, and the head has a different shape on each side.  One side is a cup to fit around the clit, and the other side has a lump sticking off it, I’m guessing to allow for a more pinpoint stimulation.

sexy-spoonie-humdinger-bump

Turning it on in my hand (by twisting the bottom), it becomes obvious that the motor is in the head, which means that you’re going to get maxium stimulation right where you need it. On the lower settings, it seems pretty powerful, and quite rumbly, but gets more buzzy as you turn it up higher. I’m hopeful that this is going to do good things for my clit!

In Action

I thought that the cup side was going to be my favourite, but it didn’t quite work how I wanted it to.  The vibrations were mostly in the edges of the cup, providing wonderful stimulation around my clit, but not as much as I’d anticipated directly on my clit. It did feel good though, and the tip of the cup nestled between my inner labia and gave me some wonderful vibrations there, which was wonderful.  That’s an area that’s often left out when using a clitoral vibrator, so it was nice to get a little bit of sensation there as well.

Because the vibrations were mainly directed through the edge of the cup, I was able to press the toy quite hard against my clit and not feel like it was too much, or painful.  I think that using this side of the toy would be a really good way to avoid getting over-stimulated

sexy-spoonie-humdinger-cup

On switching it around, I was shocked at how intense the vibrations were coming through the bump on the other side.  The vibrations were a little more buzzy through this side, but that is really my preference when it comes to pin-point stimulation.  Whereas with the cup side, I feel like I could go on for ages without getting too sensitive, there is no chance that I could use this side for long. It did push me over the edge to a good orgasm, but I found myself having to pull it away almost instantly afterwards as it was just too much.

Accessability

The humdinger is battery operated, and the batteries are replaced by unscrewing the base.  The base is 3cm wide, and has grooves all the way around to aid grip. Even screwed on fully, it’s relatively easy to unscrew – it’s less stiff than most soda bottles. The toy is controlled by rotating the bottom of the battery cap, which again is well textured for grip, and moves very freely.

Because the motor is in the head of the humdinger, if you can hold it at the end, there isn’t a lot of transfer of vibrations into your hand

Overall

I had sort of anticipated trying this toy out once, and then just keeping it for when I wanted something a bit different for work, but after testing it, I think it’s highly likely it’s going to be one of my regular toys.  I really love the cup side, and the fact that I can use it to tease myself for a long time without becoming too sensitive or over-stimulated. The only drawback it has for me is that it is a battery operated toy.  I’ve exclusively used USB rechargeable toys for many years now, so trying to remember to always have batteries in will be somewhat challenging! I’m definitely pleased that this one was part of my prize package, though, and look forward to using it much more in the future.

Posted in 30 Days Of Kink, kink, My Sex Life

30 Days of Kink – Day 3

DAY 3 : DISCOVERIES…
How did you discover that you were kinky?

I’m not sure that my discovery that I was kinky boils down to 1 single moment, it’s very much been a long journey of discovery over the past nearly 2 decades.  But there was one moment when it all suddenly “clicked” and made sense in my head, and allowed me to start on this journey.

I was 18, at college, and dating an older guy for a few months. One day it came up in conversation between us that he’d like to try a threesome, and I said “sure, why not?”  I tried (and failed) to arrange something with a friend or two, before turning to internet dating sites to try and make it happen.

So, I created a profile on OKCupid, set my search criteria to bi-girls, between 18 and 30, within 10 miles. And even back then, a lot of the profiles made it explicit that they were not looking to be unicorns, and weren’t interested at all in random hook-ups, so I kept scrolling.  Until I hit the profile that would set me off on my kinky journey.

She was in her early 20s, and discribed herself as submissive.  At the time, I didn’t know what that word meant, but she went on to explain that she liked her sex rough, she liked to be told what to do, she loved bdsm.

I was FASCINATED, and immediately messaged her asking for more information about what it meant to be submissive, and what the ins and outs of bdsm were.  We exchanged a few messages, but conversation fizzled out eventually.  I never got the chance to tell her how important her messages were to me.  Now I knew that these things I fantasised about had a name, I could search for more information.

I spent the following months at the computer, learning everything I could about BDSM and D/s, before eventually starting to dip my toe into exploring it in real life…. but that’s a whole other story!

 

Posted in kink, My Sex Life

After The Spanking

A little while back, I had my first spanking in a very long time, and it was amazing (you can read about it here), but what came after was equally amazing!

Kneeling over a pile of pillows, red bottom raised in the air, I wanted to be fucked. I wanted them kneeling behind me, their cock sliding in and out of my cunt, their body slapping against my spanked ass, but after a few attempts, and changes of position, it became clear that my cunt wasn’t going to be cooperative in the fucking today.  That’s a thing that sometimes happens. No matter how wet and horny I get, penetration is either straight up impossible, or very uncomfortable/painful. It’s something I plan on speaking to my doctor about, but until then, I’m not going to let that one issue ruin my fun.

And that’s how I ended up on my back, legs spread, their hands exploring my body. Running them from my tits, down my belly, to start playing with my cock, one finger on either side, just stroking gently to begin with. I love being played with like this, and their technique never fails to get me off…… fast! They were straddling my leg, to be able to get a good position to play with me, and it wasn’t long before I felt them squirting.

Knowing that they were squirting just from playing with me turned me on even more, and made me cum again, and again, and then….. well, we got ourselves caught in a bit of an orgasm loop.

They would make me cum, which would make them cum, which then made me cum again.

I don’t know how long this went on for, but I know once we managed to stop, we were both soaked, laying in a puddle of our mixed juices, and rather dehydrated. After a quick breather and a chance to have a swig of drink, they told me that they would like some touch now, so they laid down, and I started running my hands all over their body.

Gentle touches on their nipples soon lead to one of my favourite games, that I call “harder please”. It’s a wonderful way of gauging how much sensation someone wants. You start off doing a thing as gently as possible, and if they want more, they say “harder please”. They keep saying that until they get to the level of stimulation they want. And lets face it, there’s something super hot about someone looking you in the eye and saying they want more of whatever it is you’re doing.

This game ended up with their hand playing with their clit, as I pinched and pulled their nipples harder and harder, reaching a peak as they came, and then starting again from a gentle touch. I’m not sure how many times they came, but once again, we ended as a hot, wet, sweaty, snuggly puddle.

Posted in kink, My Sex Life, Sex Work

Lights, Cameras, Action!

I’m so utterly excited about the weekend already, and it’s only Wednesday!

Friday afternoon, a friend, and long-time collaborator is visiting with their partner. We’re planning on shooting a couple of seriously hot scenes, including (of course) lots of strapon play and a first for them!  While we’re shooting, our partners are going to get to spend some time together, which makes me super excited as well. They had a lovely connection right from the first time they met, and this will be their first opportunity to spend some time with just the two of them.

This will be the first time we’ve filmed together, with us both performing in a long time.  The last few times we worked together on shoots, we’ve been opposite sides of the camera.  I’ll admit to being a little nervous, I always am before shoots, but I know that once we get going, it will all flow easily. No matter what situation we’re in, the way we work just compliments each other, and makes things so much easier

We’re also planning on a bbq/picnic by our local lake, and just spending time enjoying each other’s company.  I don’t get to see these two wonderful people often enough, so it’s always a joy to spend time with them, and I’m really excited to show them our local, beautiful, outdoor space (returning the favour from last time we saw them).

Things usually get pretty kinky when we’re together as well, and while I’m obviously not counting on that occurring, it would be the icing on the already super-tasty cake! I’m just looking forward to seeing them, and gossiping, and ranting, and chatting, and generally catching up on the excitement that has been going on in each other’s worlds.

Posted in Uncategorized

My First Spanking (in a long time)

You would have thought that someone as kinky as me wouldn’t go the best part of 2 years without getting spanked, would you? Unfortunately getting ill put a stop to a lot of my kinky fun, but I think I might just have broken the drought now with some fun with a long term play partner!

It happened a few weeks ago now, and I’ve been thinking about it since – how it felt, what it means going forward, and how I can make it happen more often!

It started with a strapon workshop. They were wearing their new strapon – one that I’d not long ago seen them fucking their lover with – and I will admit to being rather distracted through the workshop, my eyes drifting to their cock frequently.  When the workshop ended, people started drifting off, they asked what I was getting up to next.

“I’m not sure, but I really want to suck your cock right now,” was the answer that came out of my mouth. I don’t remember their reply, but I do remember that I was very quickly on my knees in front of them, sucking their beautiful cock. Teasing slowly, getting faster, then slower. Feeling their thrusting, hearing their breathing change, knowing that they were getting ito this as much as I was.

We broke apart, knowing that if I carried on, then we’d end up making a mess (we’re both squirters who don’t require genital stimulation to squirt). We agreed that we wanted to carry on, so took a quick break to pee and gather supplies.  They asked if I wanted them to grab their spanking toys, and my answer was a very enthusiastic “yes”.

The last time I had been spanked before this was on a shoot, and I ended up almost throwing up because I couldn’t deal with the pain of the cane. But shoots are different to personal play, and I knew that I wanted to see what I could enjoy in a more relaxed setting without the pressure of cameras and lights. And I knew that I was in good hands.  I’ve played with this person for years now, and over that time we’ve got good at reading each others reactions, and I knew that they would start out slowly, and if I needed the spanking to stop, it would, and we could transition into other fun activities, without any judgement or repercussions.

As it turns out, I needn’t have worried. From the first, solid spank over my boxers, I knew that I was going to enjoy this, and that it was the kinky re-awaking that I needed. Balanced over a pile of cushions, my bum up in the air, the first spank made me gasp, and moan.  And it didn’t take long before my bottom was bared, and I was moaning and giggling, and wriggling my bum, wanting more.  The spanks were broken up by pauses for them to rub my bottom, run their nails across my skin, and push their cock in my mouth again.

My bottom was very quickly warming up, a tingling spreading through my body, my cunt getting wet, as I sank into the spanking. I couldn’t tell you how long it went on for, other than to say it wasn’t long enough.  When the spanking stopped, I will admit to being disappointed. But when they said “I want to use the strap on you,” my disappointment quickly faded. I was a little nervous, so quickly checked in, asking which strap it was they wanted to use. On seeing that it was their long, wide, soft leather strap, I eagerly replied that I was ready for them to strap me.

It’s been years since I last felt that strap on my bottom, but it was just as wonderful as I remembered it. Mostly thud, with a little bite at the tip. The sensation washed over me, and I felt my body relax more and more with each stroke. My mind quietened as well, focussing just on their voice, the sound the strap made as it swished through the air, and the feeling as it landed on my reddening skin.

I don’t know how many strokes I took, but I do remember them changing sides at one point “to make sure you’re symmetrical”, and by the time they finished, I was horny. My body was reacting in familiar ways to a much missed sensation, and now that my spanking was over, it was time to move on to other, more intimate activities…