content warning : mention of sexual assault, negative emotions around PIV sex, consensual non-consent play
I’ve always had a….. complicated relationship with sex, particularly PIV sex, but its only as I’ve grown older and queerer that it’s become less of an issue.
I grew up around a very heteronormative idea of sex – that it was all about putting a cock in a cunt, and thrusting it about. Everything else was just foreplay, and a lead-up to the “big event”. My first boyfriend tolerated my interest in frottage, but never really enjoyed it, and I always felt like I was a bit weird for liking it. The sex I had with other cunt owners was similarly uninspiring, a little bit of oral, maybe a little bit of fingering, some thoroughly unpleasurable scissoring (cos that’s what lesbians do, right?), and that was about it.
Over time, I had more PIV sex, but it left me with a lot of negative emotions. I’d feel violated, dirty, and not enjoy it much at all. Often I would be left crying afterwards. I’m still not sure 100% why I had such negative reactions to it, but I suspect that sexual assault from my boyfriend, and feeling like the only way that people would be interested in me was if I fucked them combined to make up most of the reason. Then when I discovered BDSM, I found that I could enjoy PIV sex as part of a consensual non-consent scene. From there, I found that I was gradually coming to like PIV, and giving and receiving oral sex with cock and cunt owners.
And that brings us up to a few of years ago, when I met C. We met at a mutual friends party, spent the night flirting and making out, and then continued flirting online and sexting for a month until we met in person again. But as well as flirting and sexting, we delved into talks about what worked for us each, sexually, and I came out to him as non-binary. The first time we had sex was amazing, and we quickly arranged a dirty weekend away – just him and me, in a huge hotel room in the middle of nowhere.
But while we were there, it turned out I was not entirely over my issues about PIV sex. And that was probably not helped by the fact that he was the first cis-male partner I’d had since realising my gender and sexuality weren’t quite what I thought they were. Part way through having sex one night, he asked me to go on top, and I…. just couldn’t do it. I started crying. It was at that point that we started talking about what sex was, and wasn’t. What was fucking and what wasn’t fucking. And I began realising that I could start to let go of my heteronormative ideas of what sex is.
Since then…. well, I’ve been having a lot of fucking amazing sex. Some of it where everyone cums, some of it where only one person cums. Some where a cock (real, or silicone) goes in someone’s holes, some where there’s no cock involved at all. And I’ve realised that this is what queer sex is about. It’s about letting go of preconceived notions of what sex is, and just doing what feels good to you and your partners at the time.
I probably have less PIV sex at this point in my life than I ever have before, (sometimes my cunt just doesn’t want to play), but I am having more, better and more fulfilling sex than I have ever had before now. It’s been a journey to get here, but I’m so glad I’m here now!